Today's chai... *sigh*
I went to Grand Bend with my mum today and had a fab day, hungover and all. Thank god that woman dislikes early starts about as much as I do! Mum and I used to go to Grand Bend at least once a year, just me and her but of course, once I had my babies, it wasn't really possible to make that yearly trek without them. Don't get me wrong, love going to the beach with the kids, but it's awfully nice to be with just my mom and not have to worry about anything but what we feel like doing. Lying on the sand, feeling the sun warm on my skin and hearing the waves beat down on the shore made me blissfully happy and restored my believe that life is good. The beach is definitely my happy place. I haven't been to Grand Bend in a couple years now, as Turkey Point is usually my chosen destination, but it was great to be back, the busy throng of so many people, the shops and the wonderful Lake Huron, actual good places to eat (the one restaurant in Turkey Point being pretty crap). Maybe I will go back Monday!
I dropped my kids off at their grandparents last night and I tell you, it doesn't get any easier to leave them each week. It's tiring and challenging to be an only parent, especially with Anna only being four and needing a lot more assistance with life in general, but not seeing them for a week at a time is really starting to get to me. I think it was worse dropping them off this week because we really had an excellent time together, lots of bonding and adventures and cuddles at night before bed and now they are gone and the house seems very empty.
The other part of that is I'm missing HALF their lives and the idea is absolutely bizarre to me. Come fall, we're changing up the schedule and I will have them Mondays and Tuesdays and every other weekend so at least I get to see them each week. As tough as it is not to see them for a whole week, it's also tough to be a single parent for an entire week. I'm hoping this new schedule will help break that up and make it not so hard to say goodbye, but also help to be a better parent because I won't be as overwhelmed. It makes me nervous though as well, like what happens if there is some sort of misunderstanding and the kids get left at school/daycare with no one to pick them up? I'm sure this won't happen, but again, it's so bizarre not to be in charge of them 24/7 and being absolutely sure that they are safe.
I am still so sad at what has happened to my marriage and my life. I deal with this sadness every day. I'm not saying that I regret my decision, I know I made the right one, but it's still difficult to realize that my life is so different than how I pictured it. My future feels so uncertain and sometimes that is exciting and interesting, but a lot of times it's just scary. I have so many doubts about myself and whether I can really do life on my own and I'm sad about not seeing my kids every day and I worry about how this will affect them, now and in the future. I think about Kate and I bear her sadness too because while I know she's resilient and tough, I also know she is carrying a hurt inside that has changed her childhood and will likely shape the rest of her life. I worry less about Anna because she's so young and won't even remember a time when mummy and daddy were together. As she blithely told a friend the other night, "Mummy and Daddy had a big fight and they don't like each other anymore and now they don't live together." She wasn't upset about it or sad, she was just stating a fact. It's already normal for her that we live separate lives.
Anyway, as always, the eternal optimist inside my head is tra-la-la-laing that everything is gonna be all right and telling me I think way too damn much.