The Daily Chai Goes Back in Time

An excerpt from my pregnancy blog 2005-10-21  (17 weeks)

I feel like I've been neglecting my journal since I haven't written in over a week, but nothing much has been happening. I don't think what  I was feeling last week was the baby moving,  because I haven't felt more movement or stronger movements since then. Everyone keeps telling my pregnancy will be really real to me once I start feeling the baby move and that it feels so cool, so I'm getting impatient, waiting for this next step! In true drama queen fashion to which I'm sure you've all become accustomed, I almost started to cry on my way to work today because I started thinking about the birth and how much it's going to hurt and how hard it will be and how I'll never be able to do it. It's so stupid, I know, all women fear labour and almost all women make it through somehow. I know I should be preparing for the birth by educating myself, but I can't bring myself to think about it. I wish I could just go to sleep pregnant and wake up with a baby! Worse yet is when you voice your fears and everyone says, "Oh, it isn't that bad." Uh, yes it will be!!! My most favourite thing in the world to date is when they start ‘entertaining’ me with stories of their labours or their friends’ labours. I should probably say HORROR STORIES. Why do women do that? I mean, this is my first baby. I have no memories or anything personal to go on. I’ve led a fairly charmed life, the last time I broke a bone, I was 11 and it was a minor hair-line fracture of the wrist. But these WOMEN. Oh. My. God. Here’s an example of the scariest-assed thing I have ever heard. My friend, who shall remain nameless, but she knows who she is, said that her niece was in labour for 48 hours. Then she pushed for four hours and when the baby finally started to come the woman had to have an episiotomy to avoid tearing. The doctor made a cut three inches long from which said woman has never really recovered because they didn’t stitch her up right. 48 hour labour? Episiotomy? Stitching? What the fuckity fuck? Why do people even HAVE children? Oh, but they say it’s all worth it when you finally hold that newborn baby in your arms for the first time. Whatever. I’ll believe that when it happens. Oh and here’s another one: This one involves the umbilical cord being tied around the baby’s neck. Mother in extreme pain and baby in mortal danger. Good times, good times. AND THEN, when I say, “Well, I’m really worried about the pain and I’m having a epidural,” I get in TROUBLE because some people think epidurals are bad for the baby. Like, when did my body and my baby become anyone’s business? I’ll handle labour exactly the way I want to, thank you very much. I don’t roll my eyes when people proudly tell me their ridiculous birthing plans to relax with massage during labour pain. Again, I say, WHATEVER. You do it your way, I’m very happy with my way! I have a lot of weird dreams about the baby. Last night I had another dream, but it was more normal. I dreamt that we had a boy and we named him Connor. I woke up feeling that, of course, this was a prophetic dream and that it will come true. That it is fate. I'm starting to wonder if I always have these weird thoughts or if it's because I'm pregnant. I don't remember what it's like not be pregnant. I honestly cannot remember what I felt and what I thought about when I was not incubating a fetus. It’s like going to a party sober and getting so shitfaced drunk that later in the evening, if you can even form coherent thought, you wonder what it’s like to be sober and in fact, even when you think REALLY HARD, you can’t comprehend ever having been sober and you’re pretty sure that you started life drunk as billygoats and have experienced your entire life drunk. Being pregnant is basically the same. Yesterday I went to pick up lunch for everyone at work (my boss paid because it's his birthday) and I saw a teeny-tiny pink baby with her father. I said, "That looks like a very new baby!" and he said she had just been born on Monday! She looked so sweet and small and, unbelievably, I almost started to cry right then and there because I felt so overwhelmed with emotion at the thought of my baby being out and about picking up lunch one day.  My mom is right, pregnant women are crazy!

The Daily Chai Has Been Disappointed

Today's Chai Latte is having an existential crisis and decided not to make an appearance just to prove a point.










I bought these boots a couple years ago, not exactly sure when, but since I paid nearly $200 for them I expected them to LAST THE REST OF MY LIFE. Clearly I was mistaken to put so much faith in footwear. In true Canadian fashion, I have written a very strongly-worded email to Sorel, demanding they remedy this despicable situation. I will be sure to update you on the story of my boots, as I'm sure you are all dying to hear about it.

In other news, the weather sucks. Oh, my apologies, YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT. Can we, for the love of god, please talk about something besides the weather? How 'bout those Red Sox? Did you hear about this?

I would also like to point out that my most popular post to date is The Daily Chai is Hungover which makes you all guilty of schadenfreude. Since this is quite possibly one of my favourite expressions ever, I'd like to say that I love each and every one of you who read the post. You must be good shits. Also, you men really need to take the fucking kids out of the house. Possibly more often than once a week. Why are you still here? GO, GO NOW!

In all seriousness, I truly appreciate all those who have reached out to tell me they are enjoying my blog or just to say hi and see how I'm doing. I know I've written about some pretty heavy things in the past week, but I want you all to know that I really am doing just fine! I have my ups and downs, my good days and bad days, but overall, I'm happy. I'm moving forward with my life in the best way I know how, taking care of my kids and taking care of me. I'm not always going to make the right choices and already I've done some pretty dumb shit, but at least they are my choices. What makes me even happier is the connection I've made with the number of you who have said my words described exactly how you felt about a certain situation. We are not alone. Carry on.

The Daily Chai and Kids of Divorce, Part 1

Today's grande Chai Latte came with the apocalyptic warning that they were running out of the chai mix and I might not be able to get my latte tomorrow. I better enjoy this one like it's the last one I will ever have. It's damn good too so at least I will have good memories. 

People ask me all the time, "How are the kids?" when I tell them my ex and I have separated. It's a tough question because I'd like to say they are awesome and resilient, but I can't see inside their heads. I don't REALLY know how they feel about this or how much they're holding inside. I told them both from the beginning that they can talk to me anytime about anything and it was okay to be sad. I thought that was important because we're always telling our kids, don't cry, it's okay, here's a cookie, but don't cry. Don't negatively express yourself, don't express anger or hurt or sadness, be happy and for the love of god, don't cry.

Well, fuck. This sucks, they SHOULD cry if they want to, this is possibly the shittiest thing that will ever happen to them. I know when my dad left, I thought my life was over. Everything changed. The circumstances of my separation are very different from my parents, but the effect is the same. Split houses, not seeing each parent every day. Not being a family in the sense that you have always understood family. So, my dear girls, cry if you need to because this sucks. Lord knows I've cried rivers since I made this decision.

I hope my girls feel they can talk to me when they're sad. The problem comes when they don't talk to me and they hold it in, for whatever reason. Maybe they don't want to make me feel bad, maybe they just can't express the reasons for their unhappiness. Maybe they are just tired of talking about it. Fuck, sometimes I feel like if I have to talk about it anymore, I might go crazy. Other times I can't stop talking about it. And the thing is, I can't force them to express every emotion they are having, no matter how badly I want to know what is going on inside their heads. However, there is one story about Kate that I can relate here that makes me think she's doing okay.

She was freaking out on me because she didn't want to have a bath. And I'm not talking refusal to have a bath, I'm talking full out hysterics because I told her she needed to wash her hair during her bath. We got into a screaming match about it and I had to leave the room because we were going nowhere and the mom guilt about yelling at her was settling in. Plus, I was losing my shit just a tiny bit too much over the bath war and I needed to back off. When I came back, she was in the bath, but hiccoughing and crying like a crazy girl. I knew there was more to this than a bath and thought it was maybe more about this being my last night before I handed the reins over to my ex for the week. I didn't want to make that suggestion though because I needed to hear it from her. For all I knew, she was upset because she'd had a fight with her best friend, or a boy had teased her or the teacher got mad at her. The minute I suggest it's about our family, she'd latch on to that and I'd be left wondering if that was really the problem.

After her bath, she was still crying a bit and I asked her again, "What is this really about? I know you don't like your bath, but for god's sake, you have one every other night, why is this a constant battle? I think there's more to this than you're telling me, but you gotta say it to me, you gotta tell me yourself what's up."

"I don't like baths and I don't like when you yell at me and I don't like...that...you and daddy aren't together anymore," the last word ending with a howl of anguish. My heart, hardened by the ridiculousness over the bath war, melted into a puddle and I gathered my girl up in my arms while she sobbed about us breaking up. Finally she started to talk and she said, "We won't go to the park together anymore, we won't go swimming or skating together as a family and we..won't....go to DISNEYLAND EVER." Thank fuck that kid has her priorities straight. I stroked her hair and I told her to talk and to cry and to be sad, that it was okay to be sad about this shitty thing that had happened. But then I thought, she needs to understand something...something vital about what is happening here.

"Kate, you need to listen to me. I know you are sad that we won't do stuff the four of us and that's true. There are things like dinner and stuff that we won't do as a family anymore, but I want you to really think about this. When have we ever really done anything the four of us? I'm the one that takes you to the park, I'm the one that goes skating with you, I'm the one that takes you swimming and shopping and to the movies. We've been the three musketeers since Anna was born and mummy and daddy splitting up isn't going to change that. I'm still going to do those things with you. The best part is, daddy is going to do those things with you now too. So now you have two parents that are going to take you places and play with you and do different things so that you get to have all sorts of fun and spend time with each of us."

It was like a lightbulb went off over Kate's head. Truly. She stopped crying and nodded her head. I could practically see the realization spreading across her face. Ever since then, she's been happy and looking forward to the future, looking forward to moving to a new house and starting at a new school. Don't get me wrong, not all sunshine and rainbows and unicorns. She still has her moments of doubt and sadness, but they don't last long and she carries on. As we all do. The best part is my ex told me tonight that he had them out tobogganing yesterday, so I know I spoke the truth to her that night.

The Daily Chai and Sex Ed

Today's chai latte was a grande and there was a little too much milk compared to the chai but the temperature was perfect. Hot, milky chai just scalding my mouth and throat a wee bit as I sucked that puppy back. 

So now that you know how my chai was I'm going to rant about people who don't want sexual education in the classroom. Sex is just another word for reproduction which is what the human body was built to do (if you choose to use your body to reproduce). The human body was also built with a heart that makes your blood flow, muscles that make you move, eyes that make you see and ears that make you listen. These are all natural functions of the human body, just like sex. There is nothing wrong with teaching children how the human body works, in fact, understanding your body and how it works is essential for a healthy, long life. That includes understanding sex and how sex can affect your health, both mental and physical. 

The changes children endure during puberty are also natural functions of the human body but they can be scary and unnerving if you don't understand what's happening. Some parents just can't talk to their kids about it and I get that. I freaked out a little when my oldest started growing boobs at the age of seven. And, when I told her how babies were made not that long ago (she is 8, for the record, and knew babies grow in mummy's uterus, but how the baby got in there was still a mystery until one fine day...) it was a pretty squirmy and uncomfortable conversation on both sides, I'm not going to lie.  But now she knows and can ask me questions about it. It's up to me to help her get through the emotions and confusion she might feel when she starts going down that path. And I'll tell you, as much as I'd like to take a shotgun to the first guy that touches her, she WILL go down that path one day. Am I going to send her along with no knowledge and watch her crash and burn? No, I'm going to educate her to help her make good choices when she walks it. 

Let's be clear. Teaching children about puberty and sex is not a gateway to promiscuity. I can guarantee you, without even looking at the curriculum, that teachers aren't going to be giving your children tips on how to pick up at the local nightclub. They will be teaching them how their natural bodies function and what to expect over the next several years from puberty. 

Some of you might say, "But wait! They are too young for this knowledge!" Sad to say, studies show that girls are developing breasts and getting their periods much sooner than when we were young. Someone I know recently told me her daughter's classmate got her period at the age of seven. Was she too young to get her period for the first time? Probably, but if she'd been taught at school at the age of six that this is how the human body works and why, she would have been better prepared to deal with it. 

So my point is this, if you are uncomfortable with sex ed in the classroom, get over it and accept that this is a natural process that we all need to know about. Talk to your kids openly and honestly about sex. The classroom is going to teach them the mechanics of all this stuff but it's up to you to prepare them for the emotion that comes with sex. Do you want your son to sleep around, breaking hearts? Do you want your daughter to "give it up" to a boy that tells her she's pretty? Probably not. You know yourself the complexity of a sexual relationship, educate your kids so they are ready to take that on and deal with it with brave and kind hearts. The classroom is only going to tell them how it works, it's up to you to give your child the emotional support to make good choices.