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Tuesday, May 12, 2015

The Daily Chai Discusses Short Girl Problems

Every day is Short Girl Appreciation Day
Today's chai was lovely.

I've never minded being short. In fact, I always wanted to be even smaller than I am because I had a girl crush on this tiny person I went to school with and I envied her stature as well as her kickass Levi's with The Doors patch sewn on the tiny butt of her pants. Maybe it was more about how sassy she was than her size, but I digress. 

As I struggled to reach something that was too high today, I started thinking about all my #firstworldproblems short girl problems. I'd like to share them with you so you can understand the struggle is real.

1. Most people seem to think it's okay to comment on how short you are, like you've never noticed or it is somehow your fault that you turned out this way. And it's not the same as being told, "Wow, you're tall," because most people envy height. People rarely envy the short girl.

2. You get a step stool for Christmas and it's literally the best present you've ever received.

3. You can't sit all the way back on a deep sofa because your legs will stick straight out like a five year old's.

4. You have to shorten (or pay to shorten if you aren't handy with the sewing machine) every skirt, dress or pair of pants you have ever purchased.

5. You often produce short children and people comment on their shortness like it's some sort of character flaw. Or, conversely, you manage to produce tall children and no one can get over HOW TALL THEY ARE BECAUSE YOU ARE SO SHORT.

6. Restaurants and bars pose considerable risk for shorts girls. Sitting at a bar is a nightmare because you can't actually reach the bar to rest your feet comfortably, so your legs eventually fall asleep from dangling. Which results in you staggering around like a drunken sailor from pins and needles when you hop off the stool. Which results in lots of jokes about how you can't hold your liquor and how it must because you are so short.

7. Because you can't reach the ground once you're on the stool, you have to rock it back and forth, trying to inch your way forward so you are close enough to the bar to reach your drink. Yes, because your arms are too short to reach it otherwise. This also sometimes results in you falling off said stool which again results in jokes about how you can't hold your liquor and how it must be because you are so short.

8. Or you have to ask your much taller date (because, let's face it, most of your dates are much taller than you) to push you in like you are a child.

9. Or you choose to sit at a normal table, in a normal chair and you STILL can't reach the ground. Booths are also not friendly seating for short girls.

10. Then you have to visit the washroom and your feet don't reach the ground when you sit on the toilet.

11. You sometimes aren't taken seriously because of your childlike stature and when you get mad, people just think it's flipping ADORABLE. And you can't even retaliate by gouging their eyes out, you have to settle for their ankles.

12. People laugh at you when you hop out of a van because you can't comfortably step down without falling flat on your face.

13. People laugh at you while you clamber like a mountain goat into a van because you couldn't possibly step into it like a normal human being.

14. When you gain five pounds it's like a normal person gaining 15.

15. Being the shortest person in a crowded elevator often poses a real risk of suffocation.

16. If you don't wear heels one day, everyone suddenly realizes and can't get over how how amazingly short you are.

17. Your nine year old only has three inches to go before she surpasses your height.

18. You can't sit on a bed in a showroom to test its firmness unless you launch yourself up and onto the mattress.

19. Your favourite tool in the kitchen is a pair of barbecue tongs so you can reach stuff on the top shelf. To add insult to injury, half the time the tongs betray you and the object falls out of their grip and hits you in the head.

20. You often forgo putting anything on the top shelves of your cupboards for this very reason which results in a lot less usable storage space in your kitchen.

21. You can't reach the pedals in your car unless you sit so close to the steering wheel that you are in constant danger of being impaled by the steering column or a broken nose from a sudden airbag deployment should you suffer an accident. 

22. Guys think you are adorable or cute even when you were going for sexy. Or, again, when you are mad as blazes and ready to kill someone. AWWW, look at the cute, short girl being all mad. ADORABLE. This is guaranteed to make already angry short girls even madder.

23. People can always see the top of your head and therefore the exact amount of regrowth in your roots.

24. You can't reach the drivethru ATM while a sitting in a car without taking your seat belt off and more often than not, you actually have to open the car door to be able to hit the buttons. And you are often faced with the real risk of losing your money as you try to grab it out of the machine because you can't quite reach it.

25. Similarly, you are not able to reach the coin slot of a pay parking lot meter while seated in your car. And then you have to scramble to get back in and shut the door so you can rush through the gate, the entire time being terrified that the parking lot arm is going to come down on your car because you took too long. Even if this would never, ever happen because it's not on a timer, it's based on the weight of your car passing through.

26. You can never hang pictures or mirrors at the right height because your eye level is a good four to five inches lower than everyone else's. Or you try to over-compensate because you know full well that your eye level is that much lower and you hang everything too high.

27. Grocery stores also pose several very real short girl problems. The first is that you often have to step on the bottom shelf to get at the top shelf and you are in constant danger of getting in trouble from store clerks.

28. Even stepping on the bottom shelf often isn't enough to get at the coveted top shelf grocery item and as your finger tips just brush the object of your desire, all you manage to do is knock it over and/or push it further away.

29. That's when you scan around for empty boxes to use so you can try to scoop the item towards you. It usually hits you in the head as it comes rolling at you and your hands aren't free to catch it because one hand is desperately gripping the front of the top shelf and the other is still holding the empty carton scoop.

30. And then there is always the danger that you might break the bottom shelf as you gingerly step on it and while you try to keep one tip toe on firm ground, you never can because you need to be fully on that bottom shelf, on tip toes, to even attempt to peek over the top shelf to see the item you want. You are always waiting for that crack and smash while you, as quickly as possible, try to grab your purchase.

31. And of course, most of the time, the front of the shelf you are gripping for balance comes away and you fall off into the aisle. And you still don't have the ingredient you were trying to get down. Usually at this point you give up and walk away, hoping nobody noticed your fail while mentally casting about for ideas on what ingredient could be used as a substitute.

32. Sometimes the product you want is so important that you get bold enough to ask a stranger for help, but most often those groceries are just not worth it. Especially heavy ones. When a short girl sees a heavy item she wants is on the top shelf, she goes without. Too dangerous.



Anonymous said...

I promise I won't call you short stuff any more ;-) - SC

Mal said...

I feel your pain, I'm short too. I feel you about the armrest thing. And when people say "Awwww! You're soooo cute!" I'm like, "you can say that, have you ever had to climb on the counterm to reach the shelf?" I feel your pain. #thestruggleisreal