On to philosophical matters. I wrote recently that I've come to a crossroads. I took the left pathway and it's been a bit rocky. I've debated how much of this I can write about here as I have funny ideas about publishing deeply personal stories. On the other hand, a blog is just that, a public diary of sorts where others might find comfort in identifying with my struggles or laughing at my embarrassing mishaps.
So here goes: four months ago, after months and possibly years of inner turmoil and debate, I decided I had to end my marriage. It wasn't a decision I came to lightly, but once it was made, I couldn't turn back. It was like trying to believe in Santa Claus again, once you know the big man doesn't exist, you can't retrieve that wonderment back into your soul. I wasn't in love with my husband anymore and we were both deeply unhappy with our lives, both together and as individuals. There is a lot of resentment and bitterness on my side that I work on every day to resolve. It's hard to be with someone for that long and not have those negative feelings build up when you are both shitty at communicating. Most of the time I was suffocating with words unsaid and I felt like I was drowning. You tell yourself that this is life, that this is marriage and it has its ups and downs. No one is perfect and as many beefs as I had with my partner, I know he had the same amount with me. So you let things go, you soldier on, you hope things will get better, you have good days together and you tell yourself that bad patch is finally past. Until the next time you are up all night crying and wishing for the strength to say you want a divorce. The thing is with those white nights, everything looks better in the morning. So you soldier on. You make school lunches, you help with homework, you count the minutes to bedtime, you look for the positive and suppress the negative. You compartmentalize until all the bad feelings are safely put away in the file folders of your brain, marked "Do not read." You tell yourself whatever you need to tell yourself to keep going.
Don't get me wrong, I have nothing but caring for the man I shared 17 years of my life with, who I created the loveliest human beings with. I don't look at our marriage ending as a failure but as a journey that has come to an end. It's a sad end and there have been many tears in both sides about it, but what's the use of hanging on to something that no longer makes you happy? That, in fact, makes you unhappy? I look at the future as a bright possibility where we can both have the chance to begin something good, healthy and whole. Someone once told me that the easiest path isn't always the best one and that the harder the path, the better the rewards. That all this will be worthwhile. I hold on to that thought every day. And I soldier on.