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Thursday, April 02, 2015

The Daily Chai Has a Another Gut Wrenching Farewell

The Daily Chai was extra full of deliciousness and spilled all over me when I tried to put on the lid. I took it as a sign of how much it adored me and licked it all off. Enjoyment on all sides.

I wrote last week about how I think my kids are starting to adjust.  Well, one step forward and two steps back, as they say.

I went to meet my ex at the tax guy's office to get our 2014 taxes squared away. Had some questions about switching over RRSPs, that kind of thing.  Divorce crap. It was fine, we play quite nicely together, we always have, but I feel myself tensing up over the stupidest things. Just a few questions here and there and I can feel my jaw tighten as I grow angry. So much anger and resentment is still on the surface of my soul, I have to work at it to let it go. I was halfway home when I realized I was still clenching my jaw. And I know my ex pretty well, if he was reading this, he'd be like, what the fuck? I thought that meeting went fine? There are so many unspoken things between us, things that will likely never be resolved now. I find myself just not caring though, I don't need closure or answers to those things I that made me angry during our marriage. I don't want to fight it out or explain myself anymore. It's useless anyway, my way, his way, we no longer have our way. That path has a chain and sign saying, "No Winter Maintenance" across it and it's always winter. It's over for both of us and we just keep moving forward to that final resolution. 

The bright part of that meeting was my kids were there of course and it was lovely to hold my little muffin in my lap and kiss her cheek. She told me that people like her skin because it's so soft. Yes, chicken, it's pretty soft. Kate sat beside me and whispered that she was selling flowers for school and would I buy one, she could show me tomorrow. When it was time to say goodbye, I hugged and kissed them both in the parking lot and waved and we all yelled we'd see each other tomorrow and it was all good. Until we were actually driving away and Anna started to bawl. My ex got my attention and mimed crying to me and I could see Anna's little mouth shaped in a howling "O" and her arms flailing around like a broken bird. I blew them kisses as they passed me on the highway and my mom guilt started to leak out of my heart. Jesus shit.

Got home, started watching Game of Thrones (nothing like gratuitous sex and bloodshed to ease a sad heart) when Kate texted me to ask if we could FaceTime. We had a little chat, but the entire time they are bouncing around and I can't see Anna and Kate leaves and it was about as satisfying to talk to them as it usually is over FaceTime. However, they are children and they have attention spans of squirrels. I get it. But I started losing my patience when I got a closeup of Anna picking her nose and Kate yelling (from wherever she was) that Anna was the most disgusting little person in the world. Agreed, but okay, let's have a sibling squabble while we talk to mummy. Very good use of all our time. Meanwhile, it's getting late and GOT is waiting for me.

Then the real drama starts. I said it was time to say goodbye because it was bedtime and Kate started to cry. She wanted a "hug and kiss" and then she wanted another one and another and as I said, my patience was already growing thin. My kids can wrap me around their little fingers with jokes and hugs and drawing me pictures and occasionally getting me a snack from the kitchen, but random crying gets them nowhere especially when I know it's more about stalling than being upset. I told Kate that as much as I loved talking to them, I was not going to do this anymore if it always ended in tears. And I would say, nine times out of 10, these conversations do end in tears. It's hard, for Anna especially, to see me but not get to be with me. FaceTime sessions have always upset her and now the circumstances are more permanent. I'm not just away for the weekend anymore, you know? So I get it, I really do, but it's no less frustrating when you are trying to end a conversation and all you get is crying. Well, my little speech to Kate didn't exactly calm her down and she really started to cry, "I want you here! I want you to come home! Why can't you just come home? Why do you have to get divorced?" The last word, the big one, the D word turns into a wail. And my mom guilt explodes. Just like that, I am the worst person on the entire planet.

I know it's only been five months and we have loads of adjustments to make, but I really thought things were getting a bit better and the kids were doing okay. I would like to blame Kate's tears on pre-teen hormones, but I can't make it that easy. I can't devalue her feelings like that and fluff them off as chemistry. It's just so damn difficult to witness that type of breakdown and not be able to hug her and tell her it's going to be okay and distract her with a story. The best I could do is text her dad and tell him that his girl needs a hug.

What a bitter pill to swallow.


Anonymous said...

So my parents divorced when I was quite young. You have heard it before, but children do adapt. Things will get better if you make the effort. Save the self-imposed guilt for when you eat an entire bag of cookies - SC

littlemama said...

Haha, ya, I felt guilty about that too. Mom guilt is inescapable!