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Friday, March 13, 2015

The Daily Chai and How to Make a Choice

Today's Chai Latte is swimming in regret and wishes it could have been spicier. Not wanting it to suffer too badly, I drank it fast to ease its unhappiness. Yup, gonna be one of those days.

People have asked how was I 100% sure I was making the right choice? I will tell you. I was not 100% sure and I've wavered a lot over the past four months. How can you ever know that you are making the right choice when that choice means you are splitting your family up and possibly causing deep psychological pain to your children? The choice to leave a marriage is somewhat like starting a new relationship. You leap in, both feet, all in, on the FAITH that this relationship is going to be the right one, the one to end all other relationships. But you don't really know if that person is going to be the right person. You can't see inside someone else's head and we often put our faith in the wrong people. Human beings do it all that time and we get burned. Sometimes we only allow it to happen once, sometimes many, many times. But eventually, we do learn that nothing is 100% sure. Except death and taxes.

So how can I be 100% sure that I'm making the right choice? I can't, but based on the facts and based on my feelings and based on my self-worth as a human being, I'm making a semi-rational choice that I believe to be the correct one for my own sanity and well-being. I wish some higher being could come along and tell me I'm doing the right thing, but clearly that has not happened. I have to go with my gut.

I used to feel like time was running out for me. The thought that I am going to die one day and I'll have all these regrets, regrets that circle in my head like a flock of vultures, that thought nearly drove me mad. I used to go to bed each night thinking, "One day, my body is going to stop working and I will cease to be." And if I couldn't turn that thought off quickly enough, I would start having a panic attack about not existing anymore. I would imagine my heart stopping, my breath stopping and my thoughts stopping. Full stop. Nothing. A shell.   Death is really going to happen to me. Not just to other people, but to ME. It got to the point that I had to force myself out of the house, because I'd rather stay home and avoid dangerous situations like driving a car because I might die. Holy shit, right? But I will tell you something, I have not panicked about it once since I made this earth shattering decision. I have accepted that I will die and I'm not very happy about it, but I know now that my life is my own and I'm not going to die with all these regrets. I know that I will live my life the way I need to live it, without the burden of others' expectations on me. It won't always be the most amazing adventure ever, but I'm going to really, really enjoy the high times and let the low times just roll. Good with the bad, right? I will be the best mother, friend and person I can be, but on my own terms. That is about as 100% as I can be about what I've done.

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