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Sunday, March 15, 2015

The Daily Chai Has a Bone to Pick

Today's Chai Latte was delicious. I mean really, why are you asking anymore? I drink one almost every day. It would just be silly if they tasted bad.

If you do any of the things below, you should probably stop reading now. I promise you will be offended but being a dick is part of my blog charm.

Pet peeve #1
People who honk their horns just for fun. Listen you dickhead, car horns are used as a warning that someone is about to hit you. So when you honk it a bunch of times just for fun, you scare the shit out of everyone (me). My driving skills are questionable at best and I don't need you hi-LAR-iously honking your horn because you are in high spirits that day.

Pet peeve #2
Tights as pants. I...can't...even...write...about...this.

Pet peeve #3
People who write "alot". See my post here to find out why.

Pet peeve #4
Similar to #1, people who brake hard in front of you. I don't give a shit about the squirrel you just avoided killing. There are thousands of them. They serve as a distraction and nothing else. See?

Pet peeve #5
Places that don't sell pie. What the fuck? What is wrong with you?

Pet peeve #6
People who wait in line at bank machines or at cashiers and when they finally get to the machine/person they are completely unprepared for what is about to happen. They dig in their purse for their wallet, then dig some more for their card (how can you not know where the fuck your bank card is in your own wallet?) and then they dig around for their point card. All the while you are standing behind them doing lunges because your gym time has now been cut in half. Seriously, how the fuck did you think this process works? You had at least five minutes to get prepared. Don't be a dick.

Pet peeve #7
People who post incessantly about working out. First time back at the gym in months? Awesome! Broke your personal best? Also awesome! But nobody else fucking cares. Honestly, limit it to maybe three a year and we will all let it slide.

Pet peeve #8
People who complain about their lives constantly and never do anything to change it. They don't want your advice. They just want to bitch.

Pet peeve #9
People who swear too much. Just fucking kidding. Obvi.

Pet peeve #10
The Blogger app because it doesn't point out my spelling misatkes. It's just wrong. Can't you see the misatke I made there?

Pet peeve #11
Selfies like this:

#nomakeup #nofilter #justwokeuplikethis #duckfacerules #myeyesarereallythiswideallthetime #isntmyphonecasecute #allbullshit (except for the phone case, it really is very cute).

Pet peeve #12
People who flash their lights at you incessantly on a dark road. Please don't do this. It scares the shit out of people. Even if you think the person is driving like a complete asshole, that doesn't give you the right to also be a complete asshole.

Pet peeve #13
People who cancel plans two hours before they are supposed to happen. Unless you have the flu or you just got into a crippling accident, get your shit together and fulfill the commitment you made. It's just rude. If you think I'm talking about you, I probably am.

Pet peeve #14
Restaurants that don't take reservations so when you get there you have to wait an hour for a table. Just fucking take reservations. You don't need to prove how cool you are by having a huge number of people milling about your doors.

Pet peeve #15
Socks with holes in them. Somewhere, a company figured how to make socks that last forever but they don't manufacture them because they wouldn't make any money once you bought enough socks for two weeks. Those companies are assholes.

Pet peeve #16
Bullies. All bullies suck. They make people's lives hell because they feel like shit about themselves. Some bullies have deeply rooted psychological problems because of traumatic and abusive childhoods and they can't deal but some bullies are just assholes. If you've ever made anyone feel like shit just to make yourself feel better, stop it.

Pet Peeve #17
Redheads. Also just fucking kidding. Obvi.

Pet Peeve #18
People who drive slowly in the passing lane. Who do you think you are? Some sort of moral compass for fast drivers? Get the fuck out of my way! I have to get to the gym for leg day. Just kidding. I don't do leg day.

Pet Peeve #19
People who take pictures of their food. "I really enjoyed that photo you posted on Facebook of your dinner last night," said no one ever.

Pet Peeve #20
When people use the word literally but they mean figuratively. "I like, LITERALLY, shit my pants when that happened, oh my god!" So...I'm just saying...I highly doubt you actually SHIT YOUR PANTS. Because then your story would be about the time you shit your pants and not the thing you are actually talking about. If you didn't REALLY shit your pants then you didn't LITERALLY shit your pants. You only figuratively did, which, let's be honest, just isn't as funny. Stop talking now.

Pet Peeve #21
People who leap onto the elevator before the people inside have a chance to get off. News flash, your meeting is not more important than my meeting. Get out of my way. Similarly, people in the front of the elevator who don't move when the doors open and someone in the back needs out. Or they kind of shift around when someone loudly says, "Excuse me," but they are really still in the way. Just get fully out of the elevator and while you're at, hold the damn door so I don't lose a limb because it took you so long to move and now the doors are closing.

Pet Peeve #22
The number 12. I don't know why. It just seems kind of uppity, don't you think?

Pet Peeve #23
When the Latte machine at work is broken. Again. It's like, omg, such a BURDEN to have to leave the building to walk to a real Starbucks. Jebus.

Pet Peeve #24
When the heel on your brand new shoe breaks off. I had this happen to me right before a job interview and I had to limp into the room with this person I had never met and with whom I obviously wanted to make a good impression. I looked like a complete moron shuffling along with my heel flapping against the bottom of my shoe, trying (literally!) not to break my ankle.

That is the short list of my pet peeves. Please feel free to share yours, I'd love to hear them!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Great list - you are dead on about #6, so much so that if there was even the slightest chance I could get away with it, I'd kill that person. :-)

Oh, but you are wrong about #3. Nothing wrong with showing off a nice butt.