The Daily Chai is on Vacation!

Today's chai was tasty and spicy, just the way I like it.

Dammit Dammit Dammit. I have literally been thinking all evening about writing this post and what I would say and how I would word it and I was looking forward to writing it. Now I finally sit in front of my computer, lunches made for the beach tomorrow, animals fed and watered and the girls put to bed and my mind is completely blank about what I was going to write. Like, I literally could not tell you if my entry was going to be hysterically funny or deadly serious. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

I have a lot on my mind, primarily two things, but I'm not willing to write about them here. I know that's a tease and little unfair, but I can't post about them. It does, however, explain why, right at this moment, I cannot for the life of me remember what this blog post was supposed to be about. Do you know how excruciating it is to have an idea hidden in your mind, locked away so to speak? I can feel it peeking out just a little bit, like a bit of leg is showing, but just the sexy part that teases you and makes you think a hot woman is on the other side of that door. It could be that lovely vixen, Jessica Rabbit, but what comes out is a gorilla with a shaved leg. I'm not even that lucky, I still don't know what the rest of the body that belongs to that leg looks like.

Dammit.

I got my girls back today. Anna, sweet Anna, is completely oblivious. Obviously happy to see me and about equally happy to see the dog. She wants a good long cuddle with me when I have a second to sit down, but affectionately pats me on the cheek and kisses me all over my face with great enthusiasm when I pick her still little body up to give her a hug. Still deliciously little, but I think she's grown four inches since I saw her last week.

Kate, on the other hand, looks a little sad and immediately grabs me in a death grip and doesn't let go. I stroke her hair and murmur how much I've missed her and I'm so happy she is back with me.  I rest my cheek on her head because I could use a good long hug too. I ask her if she's okay and she begins to cry, shakes her head. No, she is not okay, she is distraught, but she doesn't say why, so I continue to stand in the kitchen with my arms around her. Anna wanders around looking at things, noting my computer on the table, which was not here last week, but upstairs in my room. I stand there with my oldest girl and think how hard this must be for her each week, to leave one parent behind to be able to spend time with the other parent. My mother guilt creeps back in, ugly and oozing into my brain and my heart. Anna walks over, looks at Kate with concern and with a knowing, wise expression on her little baby face, she says, "Kate's upset because Grandpa's knee is all swelled up and he doesn't know why and they think it will never get better. He hates going to the doctor. Yup, that's why Kate's crying mummy."

"Kate, my darling, don't be upset. He will go to the doctor and I'm sure the doctor will figure out why it keeps swelling up. Remember, Nan got a whole entire bionic knee last summer and she's almost brand new!"

Kate nods, sniffling, but doesn't loosen her grip. I know she has missed me terribly, but she can be...a little indulgent in her emotions if you let her. I've learned long ago that if I change the subject, she snaps out of it pretty quick. Not wanting to make light of her sadness, but also wanting to get the dishwasher empty (why are mothers' attentions always so divided?), I gently tell her that she should tell me about her day and whether she went swimming so that I can finish up my chores and we can decide what we will do for the rest of the night. She sniffs a couple more times, nods and then enthusiastically tells me about how she can do a front summersault and a backward summersault in the water now and that last week she couldn't reach the thing she'd thrown to the bottom of the pool, but today she kept trying until she reached it. Anna added that Kate is able to float on her back, isn't that cool, mummy? Kate rolls her eyes with boredom and says, "Yeah Anna, that is so super hard!" "Kate, she thinks it's awesome and that you are amazing for being to do that. Don't make fun of her." Kate looks at me for a sec, "You're right. Thanks Anna, I'll teach you the next time we go swimming."

And with that, I've remembered what I was going to write about and it's too damn late to start it. Must remember to start taking notes while out and about and something strikes me as worth writing about. Apparently I'm getting senile in my old age.

-Megs
xo

The Daily Chai is Suffering From Sushi Coma

Today's chai was lovely.

I'm late getting this in and I'll make it short, brutal and sweet, you see if I don't! I went for dinner today with an old friend and we ate sushi until our eyes bulged. I have a sushi baby bump that I'm quite proud of and I even think it's a little lope-sided, just like a real baby bump. To all my sushi-loving friends, I did you proud tonight.

The drawback is that I'm now sluggishly suffering from sushi coma and can't form a coherent thought in my head.

uh...and then I went...uh

and....I think there might have been....a dog?

Where was I?

 Oh right, sushi. It was good.

Moving on. I had this random thought today and decided I could expand on it and make it a funny blog post, but do you think I can fucking remember what it was? No. I cannot. Balls. Literally sitting here with my face in my hands staring blankly at my screen. Nothing.

Moving on. Have you ever had an enormous crush on someone that you can't act on? It sucks. Just saying.

Moving on. I'm getting my girlies back tomorrow night! I'm going to take notes about all the ridiculous things they say and write about it here. They drive me crazy half the time, but the other half, they have me laughing hysterically. Plus, I love exploiting them for my own personal gain, it's what good mothering is all about.

There you have have it. Short (much less lengthy than my usual literary vomit), brutal (really nothing of value said) and sweet (I mentioned my kids).

-Megs
xo

The Daily Chai Has Recovered - Fear Not!

Today's chai was delicious. So delicious I had another one in the afternoon and felt sick. Talk about too much of a good thing.

I feel much better today and much more capable of handling the world. A chat with a friend in the morning helped and seeing my bestie in the afternoon helped even more. Another friend came to my desk this morning and gave me a box of Kleenex and I was, frankly, quite touched that she a) read my blog post and b) cared enough to bring me my very own box of Kleenex so I don't need to run to the bathroom next month when this monstrous day hits again. Ended the day with a long chat on the phone with a great friend who just "gets" it, so all in all, I'm back to my normal self. Plus, I got my hair cut, so you know, I feel like a million bucks.  Don't knock the simple pleasures. If hormones can make me ridiculously irrational, than a haircut can make me feel like a superhero. There is logic in there somewhere. My hairstylist is one of my oldest, dearest friends and we barely scratched the surface today, but it was a great visit. All in all, I got by with a little help from my friends today. Thank goodness I was in a renewed emotional state to be able to laugh at my folly from yesterday and accept the warmth real friendship brings.

I also had a hilarious conversation with my daughters over the phone (instead of FaceTime). Here are some excerpts from those conversations:

"Kate, I love you more than anyone else in the world, except Anna, because she's younger and therefore cuter than you."

"Hey!"

"Well, come on, you can be pretty snotty and mean to me and we fight a lot. She's very sweet and nice to me and thinks I'm perfect. What's not to love? You're difficult."

"Okay, that's true. But think about what a brat she can be now. Just imagine what she will be like when she's my age. Watch out then!"

"True. Dammit"

"Ha ha!"

"Kate have you said the eff word out loud yet?"

"Mom! No! I'm not you! I don't want to say the eff word out loud!"

"Okay good, just checking. Have you said it in your head?"

"MOM! No! Okay, yeah, I did one time because I stubbed my toe and it really hurt. Even then I just sort of thought 'effffffffffff' in my head and not the whole word."

"Okay, I can accept that. Put Anna on the phone."

"Hi Mummy! Hi! Mom...how was your day today? Did you have a nice day? Are you having a nice night? I hanged out with Rachel today! I told Michelle that I wanted the red duck and then I sleeped and it was fun. How was your day? I miss you. I love you."

"I had a great day today and I miss you too. I love you more than the moon and the stars and the earth combined. And wow, Anna, you sound like you are very grown up. Did you grow at all since I saw you last?"

"I think I did, yes. Okay, here's Kate."

"Kate, are you being nice to your sister? Is she being nice to you? Are you being good girls?"

"Mom! Yes. I didn't see her all day so we're getting along fine. It's only when we spend too much time together that I don't like her very much. But that's pretty normal to get on each other's nerves, isn't it, when we spend so much time together?"

"Yes, I would think so. Look at you and me when we spend too much time together, we fight too. But I'm glad you are getting along right now and just think, only two more days until I see you guys and what do you want to do?"

"I want to watch a movie and eat popcorn."

"Oh jeez girl, you always want to do that! Let's go to the beach too!"

"Well, yeah, duh, of course we are going to the beach."

"Oh Kate, don't even, don't even start with me, you little punk!"

"3...2...1....oh yeah, I did! I started it, it's on Mom!"

And so on and so on. I'm a lucky, lucky human being to have those kids in my life and those friends and everything else that I have. No more wallowing for me!

-Megs
xo

The Daily Chai Frankly Has a Bad Day

Today's chai was good blah blah blah.

Well, I'm telling myself they can't all be good days, but this is getting ridiculous. I'm not sure if it was all the self-reflection I did over the weekend, or if it's just because I have PMS, but I had a shitty day today. Too many thoughts in my head and none of them good or positive or uplifting in anyway. Ploughed through my workday like a girl on a mission, so I guess that is one positive aspect to being in a terrible mood.

I've never really been that attuned to my body, but it occurred to me several months ago that about one day a month, I just can't get it under control. The slightest thing makes me cry, whether it's my toast burning in the morning, my latte not being available or an irritating email that I just don't feel like dealing with because it's just too damn hard to think of a solution. After that, everything is downhill. I think about all the things wrong in my life, where I went wrong, what I could have done better, how I've been a terrible a person and why I've failed miserably at life. If I'm really lucky, those crushing thoughts are accompanied by tears at my desk and I rush to the bathroom, hoping no one will see me in that humiliating "crying at work" state. The rush to the bathroom (and therefore chance of being caught) is partially due to the fact that I ran out of Kleenex over three months ago and have never bothered to replace the box. If I need to blow my nose, I steal a tissue from one person at a time to be fair and even. That solution does not work if one is trying to avoid looking people in the eye. Further to all this humiliation and self-loathing, I have uncomfortable conversations with people I love that make me think our friendship is over forever (in some cases, those conversations are the beginning of the end) and then I go home and I sulk by smoking way too many cigarettes, having a few too many drinks and not doing much else, although there is currently so much unpacking to get done. When this monthly day arrives, I don't give a shit about anything but wallowing and I wallow like a champ. It's my one triumph in the day.

It took me a long time to figure out what my problem is. Yes, I'm dealing with a life changing event, yes, my world has changed forever and yes, I have a right to lose my shit every once in a while. The problem is, most of the time, I'm pretty happy. I have challenges, but we all do. Most of my problems are quite petty compared to real life and I'm well aware of that and thank the powers that be fairly often that I have it relatively easily. So these days, the ones where I hate myself and everyone around me and I hate the current circumstances in which I find myself and I hate, hate, hate so vehemently that people look at me strangely and crack jokes that they better not get in a my way, because I'm obviously on a rampage, I hate these days. They kick me in the face with the force of a black Shire and I'm left reeling, a woman on the edge, you might say.

So where do they come from? These terrible, no good, very bad days? I blame hormones. I hate to type it, I really do, because I've always maintained that blaming hormones is a cop out, a way to blame chemistry for acting like an irrational bitch once a month. But those chemicals are pretty strong little forces of nature and they won't be ignored. As I've learned more over the years about mental illness and how our internal chemicals affect our emotions and our thought processes, I've come to respect hormones and how they can make a perfectly normal, rational person into a raging lunatic overnight. Slight chemical imbalance oozing out over here, nothing to worry about. Sometimes I feel like I should have one of those floor signs near me when this hits, "Bio-hazard waste, caution".

That's not to say the things I'm upset about aren't real, that they aren't important or valid. It's just that I'm incapable on certain days of dealing with them in a rational, healthy way. Most of the time I can keep it in check and get on with my day. I keep my sadness, my worries, my anger at bay, they are just emotional reactions to situations I will mull over and deal with, but not the end of the world. Today, however, I let those emotions consume me like fire.

Tonight I will take comfort in the wise words of Scarlett O'Hara, "Tomorrow is another day."

-Megs

The Daily Chai is Healing

Today's chai was served with a smile, what more could a girl ask for? A million dollars, fame, love, success, well-behaved children, a dog who feeds himself, inspiration to write the next great Canadian novel...yup, a girl could ask for a lot more, but I'll take the smile.

Have I told you I have this huge, king-sized bed? I love it, I negotiated it in the separation agreement, but I find myself only using half of it. I have not gravitated towards the middle yet, I still sleep on the left side. Closest to the door, of course, for those middle of the night, small person interruptions. I can't figure this out. It might be because I'm basically a lazy person and it makes it easier to only make one side of the bed. Or maybe it just feels too damn weird to sleep on the other side of the bed. I'm just going to leave you with that to mull over.

Some of you may have read the other day that I sliced my toe open in Georgian Bay. It's healing nicely although I banged it on a chair today in a training session and almost dropped the eff-bomb loudly. I contained my outburst, but it was hard, I'm not going to lie. There are times that I'm pretty sure that I can't go/do anything without injury to myself. I suppose as long as my injuries remain non-fatal, I'm good to keep having adventures. Until one isn't non-fatal, then I'll be done.

I talked to my girls over FaceTime tonight. As usual, it was painful. The unsteady camera-work (and that is being generous) made me nauseated and the girls started fighting over who got to talk to me. When we hung up, I got not one, but two call-backs because Anna pre-maturely hit the end button. I love those girls, I just do not love FaceTiming with anyone to be honest. Am I the only one who finds it awkward? Remember when we were kids and we dreamed about video phones? Like, how cool would it be to be able to see the person while you were talking miles and miles away? Apparently, it's not really that cool.

Okay, so these random thoughts are, by their very nature, non-sequential, but it's been a month, it can't all be Shakespeare and I need time to hit my groove again. I'm working on my next pet peeve list, so stay tuned!

-Megs
xo

The Daily Chai is Home, Safe and Sound

Today's Chai was a frappucchino because it was damn hot out there today!

I was going to spend some time at Wasaga Beach today, but when I got there, parking was $10 a day and I was rethinking spending the day in the sand with my toe injury and my dwindling bandage supply. Skipped the beach and headed to the mall instead to bikini shop. Very dispiriting. Partially because it's apparently the end of summer and there are no sizes left that fit me, a difficult task at the best of times. Furthermore, did you know that fall fashion is out already? Now, I love fall fashion, with the deep, rich colours and the comfy sweaters, but I've barely experienced summer yet! Fall also means school and I haven't found before and after school care yet for my minions and I'm starting to feel stressed about that fact. It'll all work out, right? I can keep up my reputation as a fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants kind of girl? Fuck.

My drive home was uneventful but pretty glorious because of my car. I love that car. Having just put 600 kilometres on her, I feel like I really know her and I can use the "L" word and she won't get all jittery and want to run away from me. 

I'm tired. Sorry. 

I got to pick up my bestie for her first ride and she agrees that Veronica is pretty sweet. We hit the mall again, where I had more luck and then we ate ourselves into a sushi coma at our favourite sushi restaurant. Pretty much the perfect end to a perfect weekend. Love bestie time!

Currently addicted to Suits, so I gotta go.

-Megs
xo

Back in the land of Starbucks. Thank Fuck

This is my car's selfie

The Daily Chai Kicks It Solo

Today's chai was non-existent as there are no Starbucks in Midland (yes, I checked my app for locations). I imagined it would have been very tasty.

What a day! Woke up around 9:30 thinking, "Shit, I'm going to miss breakfast if I don't get my ass in gear!" Stumbled downstairs with bushy hair and half in my pajamas, half in real clothes and grabbed a lot of eggs and some fruit for the road. I took my plate outside and ate at a picnic bench while reading Still Alice. What a haunting, eloquent book about what it means to lose your life to Alzheimer's Disease.

I was a little worried about getting a boat to Beausoleil Island since it was Aquapalooza and all, but after a beauty drive to Honey Harbour, I found the Daytripper still had room to take me over at noon and it was only $15! Win! Georgian Bay is absolutely gorgeous and the twenty minute trip to the island was breathtaking as usual. I wish I could come here every weekend and I briefly wondered how I could get a job driving the ferry to the island every other weekend. You know, with all my boating experience from when I was 12. I decided the cost of my lodgings each weekend would outweigh any monetary gain from being a ferry driver. Sad. However, the very best thing I heard all day was, "You have to be on the return boat at 4:30 p.m. If you aren't present, we have to file a missing person's report. It's for your own safety. People lie to me all the time because they just want a ride to island and then they stay with their friends in a cabin."

The island was as I remembered from two years ago* except the water was much higher and there was really no beach to swim from. I wandered over to the south end of the island to Aquapalooza which was basically bands playing on a barge with lots of boats moored nearby. The water is shallow and people waded out to the barge and partied while the bands played. I started walking out with some people I met while I was trying to make it to some promising rocky land to set up for the day. One guy was immediately stopped by the patrolling police for having beer in a sippy cup. No open alcohol at this concert folks! I ignored the cops since I didn't have any alcohol on me and wandered off to my chosen rocks with my purple bag over my head thinking that this was not well planned and damn my short legs! Georgian Bay is very rocky and I stubbed my toe as I waded ashore, but I made it to dry land without falling on the slippery rocks. Of course, the minute I sat down, I realized I hadn't stubbed my toe, I had cut it quite deeply and I now have a two inch gash along my big toe. Good times and typical Megan to obtain an injury first thing. Thank goodness I'm a mom and I carry a first aid kit!

The rest of the afternoon was spent on my new rocky spot in the sun, alternately reading and just chilling out. Absolutely the best day ever with the live bands playing and the beautiful, hot sun beaming down on me. I couldn't have asked for a better day to relax and soak up the heat.

I ate the bad food for dinner. It was amazing, I'm not going to lie. As I stare at my bloated tummy, I only sort of regret it, but since it included bacon, I'm quickly getting over that.

When my ex and I split last fall, a friend told me that if I could regularly spend thirty minutes alone, without distractions like television, my phone or my computer and still be content with myself, then I was truly happy with my life and possibly ready to move on from my relationship. She was concerned for me because I had packed my social calendar with activities that were clearly meant to distract me from my problems and also designed to keep me from any sort self-reflection and therefore personal growth. She wanted me to take advantage of my new found single-ness to figure out what I really wanted and, probably more importantly, what I truly need. Today I realized that I can spend a whole day with myself and be content and only mildly uncomfortable with strangers' questions about why I was by myself. I did finally cave at the end of the day and wearily agreed with a park ranger that I was staying with friends back in Midland. I think that was more to do with personal safety than any sort of longing to be with people. I realized early in the day that it was probably not a good idea to tell strange people that I was all alone and basically defenceless and no one would know I was missing should they choose to take advantage of me. At least I knew I would be reported missing if I wasn't on that damn boat by 4:30. Not an overly comforting thought if you are actually missing though.

Anyway, it was a great day and I'm planning on spending tomorrow as Wasaga Beach and then home.

Ready for the day with Dr, Pepper, beef jerky, my trusty Batman hat and People magazine. 

Yup. Typical Megan!

xo
-Megs


*I wrote last night that it was last year that I was here and I realized it was two years ago...time flies to use that tired, old cliche

The Daily Chai is Back

Today's chai was delicious. I was missing my normal morning coffee friend, so the quest to get my morning chai wasn't nearly as fun, but the deliciousness of that chai was a welcome reprieve from the daily grind.

I've been away for awhile and I feel guilty. I challenged myself in February to write every day for a year and I was going at it well until June 23, exactly four months to the day that I started this crazy idea. I feel like I have failed because I stopped writing and every day I told myself, maybe I will post something today. It's like going to the gym, you think positive thoughts about it, but it never happens. Suddenly a month has gone by without a post and my faithful readers are worried about me. Well, at least four of them anyway. To those who have missed my posts, I apologize. Life has been crazy and busy and basically just plain stupid. I will tell you a little secret though, I missed communicating with you every day. I've missed writing.  Sitting here in bed, with my laptop on my crossed legs, feels damn good. Whatever shall I reveal tonight? Probably drivel, but I hope you enjoy it anyway. As always, your kind words, your emails and your thoughts mean more to me than I can express and I appreciate you taking this journey with me. I've been told many times recently that I am too hard on myself so I will forgive myself this month-long hiatus and I hope you will too.

Moving on.

Yesterday, or maybe Wednesday, I decided that I would go away by myself this weekend. I recently bought I new car, whom I've christened Veronica on her first (of many, I hope) road trip. Thanks to a new, but profoundly good friend, for suggesting the name! I think the sassiness of my car, a red 2012 VW Beetle, is described perfectly with that moniker. Y'all know I'm a bit sassy myself, hence the car choice. Having this shiny new toy inspired me to finally take a trip I've wanted to take since I split with my ex. I want to visit the place I spread my dad's ashes last year and I wanted to be by myself to contemplate life, the universe and everything. The answer, my favourite redhead, is 42.

Here's the funny thing about being single and being me. I've always really liked doing things by myself. I shop by myself, I go to movies by myself, I travel by myself and I enjoy it. I really do. I love, I cannot stress this enough, I love being with my people and I love being social and talking and learning new things about my friends, but I immensely enjoy being alone and singing at the top of my lungs and eating junk food in the most sloppy way possible and not worrying what anyone is thinking about my rambling and constant monologue. So. I decided, basically on the spur of the moment and mostly because I just bought a new (to me) car, that I must go on a road trip. Just try and find someone that isn't doing anything this weekend when it's Wednesday. In truth, I didn't even bother to look for someone, I just made a plan. So Friday night, I hopped into that beautiful red car and drove until 10:30 at night when I found a hotel and turned in for the night. This is where you currently find me, in a king sized bed of a suite, the only room left. Not only is a something-palooza happening at Beausoleil Island, but apparently there is a Bass fishing tournament to look forward to as well, yay me, win/win. Hopefully I can still find a boat to take me to the island for the day. I might be making another plan tomorrow, which hopefully you will hear about when I'm done for the day!

So, I've explained my affinity for being alone, but I haven't even told you about everyone else's reaction to it. I got various responses when I told people I was going away for the weekend on my own. My one friend asked me who I was going with and I replied, 'No one, just me." She smiled at me and said, "Come on, you can tell me, who are you going with?" "Honestly, no one, although there is someone I wish could have come, I am on my own!" Several other friends expressed envy that I was going to be by myself for two whole days and that I planned to unplug and not answer messages or go online. The best one though, was the front desk at the hotel when I showed up alone at 10:30 at night with no reservation (Yes, I'm kind of a crazy, fly by the seat of my pants kind of girl). The front desk person asked me how many adults and I said, "One." She asked me why I was visiting and you could tell it was just polite small talk. I told her that I've been wanting a solo weekend for a little while and that I spent many summers here as a kid, so it holds a special place in my heart. I did not add that I (probably illegally) spread my dad's ashes in a provincial park last year and that my plan was to go visit that spot and have a little spiritual commune with him if I get a chance. She then asked me if I had any family or friends here and I replied, cheerily, "Nope! Just on my own!" Now, this is the best part. She was clearly starting to think I was a total loon to travel up here on my own, for no reason, with no friends and no plans to visit any friends. I could tell she was getting desperate to know why I would do this. I almost made up a boyfriend ("My boyfriend is away this weekend, so I just thought I'd do a little trip on my own, he is going to join me later") just to put her at ease, but I couldn't lie. Isn't it funny how we feel we owe complete strangers an explanation? I resisted the urge to tell her anything, make up anything and just left her to think what she wants.

So starts my solo weekend. I leave you with these random thoughts that I had while I drove:

xo
-Megs

The Daily Chai is Pained

Today's chai latte....fml I can't even continue, it's so depressing.

I told someone today that I find jokes painful to listen to because when the person gets to the punch line I rarely think it's funny (or I just don't get why it's supposed to be funny) and I'm left to fake a laugh to be cool or be less of a bitch that just doesn't appreciate basic humour. I love comedians, I love sitcoms, I love a good, funny story. But listening to someone who just isn't funny tell a joke is pure torture for me. Added to that, I have a strange sense of humour anyway, so I'm pretty much screwed when it comes to conventional laughs. I have a feeling that by sharing this little fun fact about me, a certain Carl's Jr fan will be "entertaining" me with knock knock jokes all day just out of spite.

I think karma decided to fuck with me today because Kate wanted to entertain me tonight in her bath by telling me jokes. Kill. Me. Now. Didn't I JUST SAY I don't like jokes?

"So there's this kid. And his teacher tells him he needs to learn his alphabet," 

"Uh Kate? You told me this one already"

"I don't care, I'm telling you again. So he, uh, goes home and asks his mom, who's on the phone, what the first letter of the alphabet is and she, uh, says, "Shut up!" Ok? So then he goes in his dad, his dad is watching a game on tv right? Ok, so he asks his dad....he asks his dad...what the........." Suddenly there is silence. She has found a cut on her big toe. 

"Kate?"

"Oh, sorry. So he asks his dad, "What's the second letter of the alphabet?" and just at the same time, there's a goal and his dad yells, he yells, "Score!" Ok? So then, uh, the kid goes to his little brother who's playing with his cars and he asks him...he says, "What's the third letter of the alphabet?" And his little brother goes, "Vroom!" No wait, he says, "Red car!" No...okay yeah, I'll just say that. So then the kid, he goes to school the next day and the teacher wants to know if he learned his alphabet, right?  So she's like, Johnny, did you learn your alphabet and he's like, "Shut up!" And the teacher is like, "Go to the office!" And the kid is like, "Score!" And the teacher is like, "How are you going to get there?" And the kid goes, "Vroom! No wait. RED CAR!"

And that is the joke in its entirety. I told her it wasn't funny and I think she is missing something, but then I think it's just as likely that I'm missing the point somewhere along here and maybe to normal people, it IS funny. I really have no idea. I do know, however, that Kate should probably not go into comedy as her career choice.

And just so I don't leave Anna out of it, she told me today that she loved me and I said I loved her too. And then she looked at me solemnly, put her little hand on my cheek and said, "I'm going to marry you. Give me a kiss!"

-Megs

The Daily Chai Hates Latte Machines

Today's latte didn't happen. I have high hopes that it might later, but you can't count on life working out for you when it comes to lattes apparently. See that tea on the left? I drank half of it and gave up. Only my coffee buddy made it worth the trip downstairs to get it.

I have my kids for a couple days while the ex is travelling for work which is great because it means I get to see them for a little extra time this week. The only glitch in the plan was that I had plans tonight to go to a card making workshop with my bestie. Thankfully one of my awesome friends who just happens to have kids that my kids adore was able to fill in on Mom duties for me tonight and I was able to go after all. The cards are downstairs and I am upstairs so I will post pics later, but while your estimation of me may have slid down a notch because I went to a card making workshop, you will understand when you see these adorable creations. Plus, ultimate bestie fun time. win/win

On the way home, after picking up my children, Anna was holding my friend's hand (my god, that woman has the patience of a saint, riding all the way home with her arm twisted behind her) and Anna decided that she liked my friend's wedding band and engagement ring and told her she wanted them. And then proceeded to try to take them off. But not, like, really obviously, she was being quite stealth about it, just tugging very gently at them and then pausing to see if my friend had noticed. Considering she had already announced that she was going to take them, we both found it amusing that she was trying to be sneaky about it. Then she announced to Kate that if she managed to get them off, she would share them, that Kate could have one and Anna would keep one. What a generous little soul my girl happens to be. She also has really good taste as my friend's wedding rings are pretty spectacular.

I had a good solo weekend this time around. Chatted via text most of the night with a friend on Friday, slept late on Saturday and then went out to buy a big ass TV which I managed to get out of the car by myself (and have the scrapes and bruises to prove it!). Went to the Multicultural Fest in the afternoon with a newly single mom friend that I haven't seen since her break up about a month ago. I have to say, even though that is something I would normally have taken my kids to, it was awfully nice to walk around with a grownup who wasn't asking me to buy her stuff and I could sit and eat my lunch without worrying about feeding her. Grown-up time is amazing sometimes! Sunday I slept until noon and spent the afternoon unpacking and rearranging of Anna's room. Had a wonderful meal with my brand new step-family (I lucked out on that score) to celebrate Father's Day. Father's Day is a little difficult for me because I miss my dad most on days like that (even though I remember vividly one Father's Day that ended badly and resulted in me not seeing or talking to my dad for six months!). As anyone who has lost a parent knows, you never stop missing them, but those special days that you are supposed to spend with them can be (sometimes surprisingly) painful. I was very happy to end a somewhat emotional day with such great people.

It's weird to be in my new house without the kids or my mum (who successfully moved into her husband's house the same day I moved into hers). I mean, I have spent solo weekends here already when I didn't have the kids, but this was the first weekend it was real, permanent and mine alone. I was a bit choked up on my way home from work thinking about it, this almost final step of separation. Like I said, each stage of divorce has a way of kicking you in the teeth when you least expect it. Thankfully, that crappy feeling was soon dulled by white wine soothing my soul. I may have sent a few ill-advised texts to various people, but on the whole, I was well-behaved and grown-up. Plus, I have a new, giant TV to distract me from real life.

-Megs

The Daily Chai is Unpacking

Today's chai was a fruit smoothie because the latte machine is still broken. Yes, still. It's very disappointing. Plus, at about 10:00am I started getting really groggy from lack of caffeine. It made me feel slightly pathetic to realize I am so dependant on it.

Life with kids is...busy! I left work today, drove all the way to my old town to pick up my girlies, back to my new town, picked up some groceries, made dinner, unpacked some stuff, went to pick up my modem (the kids, each of them, asked me at least three times what we were getting at the post office and then wanted to know what is a modem? Seriously? It's 2015, shouldn't they be building their own modems by now and shocking us all with their amazing knowledge of all things technical at the ages of nine and four?).

I had a little talk with them about asking me to buy them stuff. Well, I talked at them and after two minutes Kate covered her ears and started humming, but I said what I needed to by then anyway. I don't know about you, but it absolutely drives me crazy when we are out getting groceries for example and they spend the entire time begging me to buy them stuff, treats and whatnot that I never buy but nonetheless, they ask for. Don't get me wrong, I buy some junk food for sure, but there are certain things that I absolutely refuse to purchase, like Eggos, Froot Loops and potato chips. And yet, AND YET, every time I take them to the grocery store, Kate asks me for Froot Loops. I get it, I love them too, but seriously, they are not breakfast food. They are candy. I have refused to buy them even as a fun snack for years now and yet, when I ask her what type of cereal would she like, she answers, "Froot Loops!" every time! She now does it just to bug me, I know it.

I told them today that I would like them to think about the words, "I want" before they actually say them. I asked them to consider the good fortune they already have before they ask me for more stuff. I told them I don't like saying no all the time, but when they ask me for stuff we can't afford or stuff that they don't need, I'm forced to say no all the time and I hate it. I've always said no a lot and been relatively careful about spending money, but now I really have to tighten my belt and stick to a budget. Even if I had tons of money, I would still say no quite a bit, just on principle, but still I don't LIKE saying it. I don't like telling them all the time that they can't have their heart's desire. Even when I think the heart's desire is the stupidest thing I've ever seen, I hate being the one to refuse them all the time.

However, I've noticed something with Kate that makes it a little easier to say no when she is begging me for some toy. She has begged me, in German and English for some item, on bended knee with lots of promises to be good and clean her room and take care of her dog and and and. So you know, I'm weak and I cave sometimes and I purchase that coveted item. And she plays with it feverishly for three days and then I never see her pick it up again. I suspect this is because she has SO MUCH STUFF that nothing really is very special to her except when I try to throw it out. Then she tears at her hair and screams that she hates me because that is her most favourite thing in the universe and how dare I even CONSIDER throwing it out?? Megan backs slowly away and waits until Kate is out of the house before throwing said item in garbage.

Anyway, those kids want so much stuff all the time, but they don't REALLY care about any of it. I could leave that crap in boxes and they wouldn't even miss it. You know what they do want? What they consistently ask for? My time. To read to them, to cuddle with them, to play with them and talk with them. It's all just stuff people, but your time is finite and precious and you never know how much of it you have left.

-Megs

The Daily Chai Calls Her Mother's Place Home Sweet Home

Today's chai. Don't even. When exactly was I supposed to get one? And Starbucks still refuses to deliver, even though I've asked ever so sweetly.

So I'm all moved in to my mom's place. She is all moved out. Which makes it my place now. Jebus. I liked it better when it was my mom's place, her stuff is nicer. Right now it's so full of my crap and the kids' crap and there are so many boxes everywhere that I kind of want to kill myself.

I lived here every other week for seven and half months. I lived out of a suitcase in the spare room and never had the right things. Most of my stuff was at my old house and I really just brought enough clothes for work and a few comfy things for play. I couldn't wait for all my stuff to be here so I would have everything in one place and never be without some vital item.

Reality is this: I have no idea where anything is although I'm reasonably sure I have everything in one place.  So while I am incredibly miserable at the moment, I see the light! Progress!

This is currently what the shoes look like in my closet:

In my defence, that one blue Chuck belongs to Kate. Yes, the rest are mine. *hangs head*

I believe the term you are looking for, once again, is #firstworldproblems.

The Daily Chai Has a Confession

Today's chai came from a real Starbucks and tasted like a million dollars. Thank goodness it was not a million dollars to purchase. In fact, it was free because I used a gift card from my birthday to purchase it.

Today is moving day. I admit it, I'm a bit of a hot mess and it's probably a good thing I took most of the day off. We don't close until June 30 so I have a couple weeks to fully clean my house out, but I will no longer be sleeping there and we will finally bring our dog home to our new place. It is pretty much over. So many mixed emotions about it. As a buddy pointed out to me yesterday...it hits you hard and often unexpectedly. Sometimes the shock of what is happening to me hits me like a punch in the gut. I usually tell myself to smarten up, that I chose this, that this is my path. But you know what? That doesn't make it any easier sometimes.

My second confession is that Ed Sheeran's Photograph makes me cry every single time I hear it. I'm hoping that writing that sentence will be like a magic charm that will stop my eyes from welling up when I hear "When I'm away, I'll remember how you kissed me, under the lamppost back on 6th street." That line absolutely slays me and I would like that to stop sometime soon.

So yeah, I don't believe in fate, but I do think it's interesting how we get to certain points in our lives. How certain decisions lead you to where you are now. I'm going to give you this really amazing example that is based on my life:

When I was 13, my parents decided to sell the house I grew up in and move to a farm. Because I moved to this farm, I changed the high school I was supposed to go to and met a guy in science class that I would eventually start dating and would be the first boy I lived with. We moved to an apartment that he found out about because he helped us do inventory in our store this one time and he met my boss's boyfriend who knew a guy who had a place for rent. So we moved there. But things didn't really work out and we broke up and he moved out. But there was another tenant living in the basement apartment who I started dating after me and whatshishead broke up. I would never have met this guy if it wasn't for my ex finding the apartment. This new guy had a sister who was friends with my future roommate. That future roommate introduced me to my future husband, with whom I have two children. Therefore, there are two actual human beings who exist in the world because my parents decided to buy a farm. I know. #MINDBLOWN

You're welcome.

-Megs

The Daily Chai Calls Bullshit on Soulmates

Today's chai did not materialize. Typical. I did finally get one on Friday that was especially delicious because of the great company I had with me and a good old fashion chat. 

I wrote the other day that I don't believe in fate. I also agree with Monica that there is no such thing as soul mates, there is no one perfect person for each person in the world. I think lucky people run into like-minded people and something clicks. If they are really lucky...they might fall in love. And if they are really, really lucky, they will both work bloody hard to keep that love fresh and true and strong. Relationships are hard work and if you aren't willing to put in the time, you lose it. You can't just say, "But she's my soulmate!" and hope that she sticks around through all your bullshit just because you are meant to be together. Don't rely on fate to keep you together because even if fate were real, you would have no idea  if your fate was to be together or not. See all the holes in that kind of thinking? I just can't get behind it.

Anna told me today that she can't wait to grow up and she doesn't like being a kid because she's too little to reach stuff and she doesn't get to do stuff that she wants to do when she wants to do it. I looked at her and said, "Kid, I'm a grown up and I have the same problems." She looked pretty shocked and then very disappointed. Wait until I tell her about how fate is bullshit!

-Megs

The Daily Chai is Denied

Today's chai did not materialize, even though I specifically said I was looking forward to Monday because I could get a chai latte. The machine is broken. Pfft. Whatever. It's been FOUR DAYS since I had a chai latte and I feel like I'm turning into an entirely different person. I can almost feel my soul returning. Then I got a hot chocolate from Tim Horton's and the resulting sugar buzz made me quite productive.

I spent this evening...packing! I bet you are very surprised about this since I have been talking about little else for the past month now. Jesus, what will I write about when I've finished moving? I'll write about unpacking, I suppose. I'm at that stage now where I'm just throwing stuff into boxes to be sorted later and I'm going to unpack it and be like, why the fuck did I move this? Why didn't I just throw it out in the first place? You just laughed because you know exactly what I'm talking about. You may do the before-packing-purge, but you will still end up with shit in your new place that you don't want or need. It's the universe laughing at you.

I seriously have way too much stuff. My kids have way too much stuff. I told a friend back in November that I wanted to burn it all and I repeated this wish to another friend this weekend. There is a box in my front hall that comes up to my chest and it's just full of Kate Crap. I'm not taking responsibility for all the stuff she owns. I say no way too often for her to own this much stuff based solely on my purchasing power.

And I'm the first one to admit that I'm materialistic and it's very hard to get rid of stuff when you like your stuff so much. Then I get sick of it all and just throw out everything in sight, only to live with regret later. Sad. Which in turn makes me cautious about throwing stuff out in the future in case I need it, which I might, some day. I know what you're thinking, that it must be very hard to live in my world.... #firstworldproblems 

Pardon, what was that?

Moving on. My current pet peeve is overly cautious, overly slow drivers. You know the ones that come to a full stop at a green light when they are turning right even though there are no obstacles causing them to come to a full stop? Why? Are they out there specifically to torture me? Is this happening for a reason to teach me a lesson? Kidding. But I do have places to be and things to do. Hurry the fuck up.

-Megs

The Daily Chai is Made of Sushi

Today's chai was being a selfish bitch again and refused to come home with me. WTF? I'm actually looking forward to Mondays now because at least I can count on a chai latte Monday morning. Well. Possibly. The machine was broken on Friday. WHO KNOWS WHAT MONDAY WILL BRING.

I just watched the Game of Thrones finale. Now I can obsess about Orange is the New Black properly. My Dawson's Creek obsession didn't last long, sadly. Once I found out Jenn dies in the series finale, I was pretty much done with that. Teach me to watch the last episode first.

It's been a kind of boring weekend, just packing trying to get ready for the movers on Tuesday. However, I did have a nice treat today as I met my cousin, her husband and two kids as well as my good friend and her two kids for a sushi lunch that Kate planned as my birthday party. It would have started off better if Kate hadn't been acting like a petulant brat before we left. I'm pretty sure she is getting her period. I know she is only nine, but Jesus, that kid's mood swings are incredible. I hate to blame it on hormones because it drives me nuts when people do that, but I'm at a loss to explain it any other way. Poor kid too, I'm not the most patient when she's pouty and nasty, so I yell at her a lot. I wish I could say I'm awesome and understanding and sweet to her, but it irritates the shit out of me when she starts to cry because I looked at her funny.

Lunch itself was lovely. I ate until I couldn't move and I'm still burping salmon 9 hours later. Anna behaved abdominally and it's a damn good thing she is adorable. I'm going to have to watch that one, she gets away with a lot because she flashes me that toothy, saucy grin and I start laughing, I can't help it. I was so much more strict with Kate. Maybe I am just too tired now that I'm old. I did make Anna stop running laps around the table after about the fifth one. Kate wouldn't have made the first one, I would have been hauling her back to her seat and telling her to behave. Ah well, the youngest always gets all the breaks.

I spent the rest of the afternoon unpacking things that I'd spent the morning packing up. Delightful times in the Tees-King household. Woot.

Kate had her dance recital yesterday and I was pretty impressed. I actually said to her, "I was sort of expecting you to suck because you missed so many classes and you never practice, but you were amazing! I'm so proud of you!" I can only describe the look she gave me as withering and then she laughed and said, "Thanks, it was really cool being on stage again." I probably shouldn't have said I expected her to suck, but I meant it in the nicest possible way. It's a good thing that kid gets me.

UPDATE: It's been a week of not smoking. I told my friend it's a good thing I have the kids because I would be at the store buying a pack if I was on my own. She wrote back, "How come?" Because I would like a cigarette. No reason. I just like smoking. The fight continues.

-Megs

The Daily Chai's Opinion About Fate

Today's chai was a huge disappointment, mostly because it didn't show up in my hand when I wished it to. Dammit

I got a fortune cookie the other day and my fortune was "Fate will find a way." Kate asked me what the heck that meant and I said it was a platitude that people tell each other so they feel better when things they want don't turn out the way they had hoped.

"No. Mom. What does fate mean?"

Oh that.

Well my darling, fate is a belief that no matter what you do, no matter what choices you make, your future and ultimate destiny is set in stone and nothing you can do will change it. The thing is, it's completely unprovable because we can't see the future, so how can we tell if one choice leads to one future and another choice would lead to the same future? We also can't disprove it because we can't tell if one choice will create a race of artificially intelligent super robots that will destroy humanity or if another choice will stop the war between robots and people. Oh wait. That's Terminator 2.

Relying on fate to get your through a tough time is just a way to absolve yourself of responsibility. Doesn't matter what you do, things will just turn out the same way. You can knowingly make bad choices and when the results slap you in the face, you can say, it wasn't my fault, it was fate. Here's a news flash, when you make bad choices, it is your fault.

It's the same thing when people try to comfort you with "Everything happens for a reason." I would personally love it if everything that has ever happened to me had a good fucking reason for happening. For the bullies in high school. For my dad dying too young. For my marriage breakdown. For having to move ONE MORE FUCKING TIME. But I'm a realist. Reality is...shit happens. It's what you do with it that matters. It's the lessons you take away from those major life events and how you allow it to shape your core being. They didn't happen so you could be who you are today. They just happened because that's life. And really...it's pretty fucking arrogant of us to believe that things are happening all the time specifically to guide us through life. Center of the universe much?

At this point in my "Fate is a ridiculous way for people to get out of trouble for their actions" that Kate said, "Okay, great. Mum. Mum. I get it."

Oops. Was I saying all that out loud?

-Megs

The Daily Chai is a Day Behind

Today's chai was the first one I paid for in a week. I'm quite enjoying this "birthday week" celebration thingy.

Yesterday was the first day I haven't posted at least one entry since I started the whole Daily Chai thing on February 23. I feel like I let down my legions of fans (okay, my 23 faithful readers). I'm a little disappointed in myself for missing a day, but hey, shit happens.

Moving on.

UPDATE: Day five of the quit smoking campaign. Forgot my patch today. Did not break down and lose my mind. Wanted a cigarette after finishing my lunch and after I put the kids to bed, but didn't cave. The fight continues.

As you may have probably guessed, I'm super busy this week/weekend and I've been referring to it as my weekend from hell. This is dance recital weekend. I hate this weekend. It's even worse this year because Kate now hates dance and has missed several classes due to travel, sickness, birthdays and holidays so she is nervous about her dance and she's been complaining all year about her teacher who yells at her too much. This is one rehearsal (Friday night), one recital (Saturday night) and one picture day (Tuesday night). Kate is in one dance and I want to tear my hair out, I don't know how these competitive kids handle the pressure. It probably doesn't help that I have to pack up my house this weekend to get it ready for the movers on Tuesday. Not the greatest timing, but it is what it is.

I'm so excited about finally living here full time and to finally, finally unpack my suit case. Four more days and I can stay put for good. You will have to drag my cold, dead body out of here before I will move again. After seven months and two weeks, I have arrived! The kids are pretty excited too, especially after Kate found the stash of markers and paper my mom left for them.

What a long, strange journey this has been. I've cried rivers of tears, I've laughed long and hard. I've partied. I've slept. I've renewed old friendships and I've cultivated new ones. I've learned some hard lessons. I spent one month so angry at everything and everyone I'm surprised I didn't spit fire (I worked out hard instead). I've played with my kids and watched them with worried, anxious eyes while they continue to go through their own journey. I've reflected about my past and planned some of my future. I've immediately thrown away my plans after deciding planning ahead is futile and opened my arms wide to whatever the future brings. I've thought about who I am and what I want. I've thought about boys. And sometimes even men! I've learned the difference between being alone and being lonely. I've learned I probably need more sleep than I get!

I personally know three other people on the same journey which is just sad. Seems like everyone my age is getting divorced and if they aren't, they are sticking it out, but miserable. How come we don't know how to be happy anymore? Or is that people were miserable before too, they just stayed married because they didn't have a choice?  I'm starting to think we just aren't meant to be in long-term relationships. The only reason we stay together is because we want to avoid the unpleasantness of breaking up. The people that make it 70 years married and are still relatively happy? I think they are just so senile by now, they don't care who they spend time with.

Yikes! Cynical tonight!

On that note, I bid you adieu!

-Megs

The Daily Chai is Not Murdered

Today's chai was bloody fantastic. Haven't spent a penny all week on them.
Kate needs a dresser at my new place so I've been trawling kijiji looking for something suitable because I'm too cheap to buy new and I'm all about the re-use philosophy. After a few days, something retro cute popped up and I emailed the person to see if it was available. Sure enough, it still was and the guy gave me directions to his place for a look see and possible pickup.
This was his email (in part): Use the driveway to the west of the apartment building. You'll see a dumpster there; park somewhere near it and then call me at XXX-XXX-XXXX and I'll come down to meet you. The dresser's in a garage near the dumpster. If it won't fit into your car, I can deliver it in my minivan. 

Now, I may just be completely paranoid, but some dingaling bells were going off a little bit here. "Park near the dumpster" in particular alarmed me as I pictured my body being sawn up into little pieces and dumped in it. That being said, I thought maybe I would ask him to just deliver it to my house, although I wasn't really sure I wanted him to know where I live. 

This was his reply back (in part): Is there any chance that you can come here to help me load it? I'm asking because I'd feel terrible if it got damaged while I was trying to load it by myself.

Dammit. Why does this weirdo want me to come to his apartment building so bad? Should I take his word at face value or is it just more convenient for him to dump my body if the dumpster is right there for him? That's it, I need reinforcements. I text my mom and even though she is sick and feels like death, she agrees that she will come with me to pick up the dresser, which, after re-reading the dimensions mentioned in the ad, will surely fit in my Golf once I put the seats down. Problem solved and I write the seller back to let him know I will come the next day WITH MY MOTHER (just in case he was getting any ideas) and I apologize for the number of emails that went back and forth while trying to arrange this purchase. 

This was his reply back (in full): It all sounds good to me. I've enjoyed our emails. :) See you tomorrow (I hope).

Creeeeeeeeeppppppppyyyyyyyy. 


I really love Kijiji but these exchanges always make me very anxious when they can't take place at the mall. It probably doesn't help that I read the Want-Ad Murderer when I was a teenager which told the story of Harvey Louis Carignan, the man who lured young women to his gas station with help-wanted ads so he could rape and murder them. Creepy emails don't help either. 

Anyway, turns out the guy is very nice and he's old and probably a little lonely, judging from his emails. He did not try to kill or abduct me or my mother, much to our relief. After loading the dresser into my Golf, I sent a couple texts out to friends to tell them I wasn't murdered and we all cheered. 

-Megs

The Daily Chai Discusses Female Friendship

Today's chai was an unbirthday gift. Not only a gift, but a literary reference. Day made.

Kate texted me yesterday: Mommy can I talk too you it's ergint.

Five minutes later (the kid does not have a lot of patience): Mama please

So of course I get this message and I'm immediately worried something absolutely terrible has happened to my baby girl. Sadly, something has. Her very best friend has told a couple other kids that she hates Kate.

Oh crap.

Kate is in tears, but she's also mad. Her bestie has been a bit of a trial the past few months. She took over a dance Kate and two other little girls wanted to do for the talent show and told them their routine was stupid. She said if they were going to get into the talent show, they needed to do what she told them to do and if she wanted suggestions from them, she'd ask. And then, mom, then she made herself the STAR OF THE SHOW, OF COURSE [insert eye roll here]. This type of direction from the bestie went on for a couple weeks to the point that Kate did not want to try out for the talent show anymore and told me it wasn't fun which made her sad because when her bestie wasn't involved, she was having a great time with the other kids.

Another day, her bestie was playing with another kid and told that kid, "Let's make Kate jealous because we are playing together." I have to give Kate props here, she said, "I don't get that. I mean, it's okay for her to have other friends, she doesn't have to play with me all the time. I have other friends that I play with too. Why did she think I would be jealous if she played with someone else?"

Kate's friend has also been pretty bossy lately, even besides the dance routine and wants the kids to do what she wants them to do and gets mad and runs away when they don't listen.  Then she won't talk to Kate (or whoever the offending party is) for the rest of the afternoon and tells the other kids not to play with them either. "And mom, I do not have to do what she tells me to do. I am my own person, if I don't want to do what she tells me to do, I'm not going to." More props. That's my girl.

This, I know, is pretty typical kid stuff. I remember this type of thing from when I was that age. It's endless and dramatic and I know my kid is as dramatic as the rest of them and that there are three truths to every story, so who knows what things Kate has said to her best friend over the course of the year that's upset her in the same ways. I love my kid, but I'm not so deluded that I think she's up for a sainthood.

Yesterday, after hearing her bestie hates her, she'd had enough and she wanted to know what to do about this situation. This was my advice to her:

Number one is you can confront her and tell her that you heard she hates you and you're upset about it and want to know if it's true. If you kind of believe she said it and you care enough about her to fix the situation, you have to face her and ask her what's up. Then you can start talking about ways to change it and make your friendship better.

Number two is ignore the situation entirely and carry on as though you never heard she hates you and keep hanging out with her. This is a bit cowardly and probably not the best solution, but hey, you have two weeks left of school. If you never want to see her again when school ends, you don't have to.

Number three is you can decide this is not worth your time anymore and you can (tactfully and gently) break up with her. Tell her the reasons that you no longer want to be friends, they are valid reasons after all and things you don't need to put up with, especially from someone who you've said is your best friend above all others. That is a special title, reserved for the very best people in your life. Someone who treats you like crap, gets you in trouble, tries to make you jealous etc is not living up to that title.

I know, I know, you're shocked, aren't you? My advice to my nine year old was to break up with her bestie.

But there is this persistent and yet mythical idea that we are supposed to fight for our girlfriends tooth and nail and hold on to every friendship we have ever formed or we are failures as females and human beings. One simply does not give up on the BFF. But the truth is, female friendships are the same as opposite sex relationships and they can end for the same reasons.

Ending a friendship, especially a long one, or one that was once close, simply sucks and we may shed as many tears for a girlfriend as some boy (truth be told, probably more). But the sad truth is, friendships end and it's normal and it doesn't make you a bad person or a failure. It doesn't make your friend a bad person or a failure. But holding on to someone that makes you feel like shit is not healthy and you'd be better off putting your energy into cultivating a friendships that enrich your life instead of dragging you down.

That being said however,  I think it's important to actually say the words, "I care about you, but I think it's time that we end our friendship." Ouch, right? But think about it, if you walk away and decide to never talk to that person again because you have had enough, you are the guy that just stops calling and your friend is the girl left wailing, "But what did I do WRONG??" There is no closure for either of you and there is no chance of reconciliation because walking away will leave feelings of confusion, anger, resentment and a whole lot of hurt. Telling them (again tactfully and gently and maybe not with a lot of gory detail) basically why you don't want to be friends can serve several purposes.

1) It gives them a chance to explain themselves if, perhaps, your reasons are based on a misunderstanding. This could possibly lead to fixing your friendship and saving something you once cherished. 

2) It gives you a chance to get some of your hurt off your chest and therefore get closure if you do walk away.

3) It gives them a chance to learn where they went wrong and possibly be a better friend in the future.

4) It gives them a chance to get some hurt off their chest about your past actions (because let's be honest, you aren't perfect and I'm sure you've done some shitty things too).

5) Which in turn gives you a chance to learn from your mistakes and be a better friend in the future.

6) It gives you both an ending point to move on from properly so you haven't just drifted away and left your once bestie with those feelings of confusion, anger, resentment and hurt.

Ending a friendship is crap. I've done it before and it sucked. But honestly, with some time and distance, I've come out on the other side as a better person and (I hope) a better friend. It doesn't have to be a bad thing and it can even be an opportunity for growth.

And now I am tired. Good night.

-Megs