Today's chai was consumed right before the most amazing massage a girl could ask for. Anyone out there looking for an RMT, call Travis Bunyan.
I've been thinking a lot today about embarrassment and how I must be some sort of freak or something. Very little embarrasses me and my life is an open book which I'm starting (FINALLY) to understand makes other people uncomfortable. I will literally spill the beans to anyone I know, discretion has never really been a priority for me.
Now, you have to understand that I can keep a secret, especially other people's secrets. Those aren't mine to tell so I keep my mouth shut. I can also keep secrets that involve me and other people because those are also not mine to tell and I don't want to be the person putting anyone in a tight spot. I also stop just short of telling strangers on the street my problems (says the girl who publishes her troubles in a blog, but little do you know how much discretion and actual restraint has gone into the writing of this blog!). But to the people I trust, the people I like, the people I feel a connection to, there are few secrets between us. It's part of the reason I can write this blog with such freedom because I don't mind other people knowing about my happiness or my pain, as the case may be. I don't mind talking about my feelings or the things that have happened to me. I've even been told a few times that my openness has helped someone get through a tough time because they realize that their problems are similar to mine. Or, because I created an atmosphere of truth and confidence, they felt they could talk to me about their troubles.
Hearing that makes me happy. Like, truly happy. I live to hear shit like that. I know I talk a lot, but I also listen a lot too and nothing makes me happier than to hear I've helped someone. There is, however, a drawback to my lack of discretion. It embarrasses the hell out of people, it makes people uncomfortable to be around me because I will come right out and say the reason I will be off for a couple days next week is I'm having surgery to get my tubes tied. Most people think of this as private information. So do I, I just don't care about sharing it. I've never been especially good about lying (unless it was about how much I spent on that pair of shoes to my ex) and I've never been quick to make up fake, comfortable stories to make people feel at ease and added to that, I feel the need to explain myself. So the fact that I will be off for a day next week and then working from home the day after needed an explanation and I chose to tell the truth. Because I don't see anything wrong with what I'm doing except that it involves my lady parts. But not even the good lady parts, just the hidden, inside lady parts. So who cares?
Evidently, a lot of people. It's almost amusing to watch them squirm, but I realized something. While I wasn't embarrassed to tell people the truth, I was embarrassed that I made them feel that way. It was like, after the words were out, I realized that it was too much information and I probably should have kept my mouth shut. You have to understand, I didn't tell everyone in the world (until now maybe) that I'm getting my tubes tied. I told a few co-workers that needed to know I wouldn't be in the office. I said, "I'll be off on Tuesday to have surgery and I'll be working from home the next day." and then there was the concerned, oh jeez, are you okay? And in waltzes my silly need to explain because I don't want people to worry, "Oh, no, no, I'm fine, I'm just getting my tubes tied."
"Oh." Let the uncomfortable squirming begin.
The funny thing is, once I've told people this uncomfortable bit of information, they feel the need to tell me I'm making a mistake. Ha! I'm almost 38 years old and I have two kids and I'm on my way to a divorce. I'm just being responsible to my own self and to my kids. 'Nuff said.