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Saturday, May 09, 2015

The Daily Chai is Building a Wall

Today's latte, as per usual on a Saturday, has failed to appear at my bedside, that selfish bitch. I'm really going to have to have a chat with her.

I stay up pretty late most days, but last night I went to bed at 10:30 and consequently awoke, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 7:30 this morning. I have nothing to do and no where to go, which is somewhat refreshing, but also mind-numbingly uninspiring. I finished the last two hundred pages of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and I'm deciding whether I pick up a book from my mom's extensive library or if I go buy something brand new to liven things up.

I had a good friend over last night for a girlie night of drinks and smokes and we talked for four hours and probably could have talked another four hours if exhaustion and other responsibilities hadn't kicked in. Nothing like a good girl chat to vent about things that basically just sound like a scream inside your head because you can't make sense of anything anymore. Yesterday I was starting to feel like...several patches of fabric, held together by threads, but being stretched in different directions, the threads snapping one by one as parts of me floated off into space. I feel an empty hole in my gut, I can actually picture it, a gaping, black wound that has opened up after recent revelations and left me unwhole and unable to believe in anyone. I need a distraction from my distraction, something that will turn me away from the abyss in my heart and bring me back to reality.

So in response to this intense longing and heartache that has invaded my soul and made me into a crazy person, I have decided that I need a few more bricks in my wall. It isn't safe to trust people or love them because they disappoint you almost every time. I learned long ago that I can't control events or people, but I can control me. I can choose what I will put up with and what I will walk away from, even though walking away is almost as painful as staying. I am an open, caring, passionate person that sees the best in people and makes excuses for the douche-baggy parts, but that attitude has only caused me grief and it's time to face reality and truth.

Mindset is everything.


1 comment:

David tz said...

Like any wall, there are cracks that let the water seep in and compromise the intgreity of the entire structure.