Today's chai was of the frappuccino variety again. I'm hooked.
I recently had someone tell me that my trip to Vancouver was heavy and that maybe I need a debrief with the counsellor I was talking to after my marriage imploded in the fall. I said that was probably true, but I've thought about that a lot lately and I call bullshit. I'm sad because my friend is dying. It's a completely normal feeling to have when someone you care about is dying, especially from a terrible disease. It's called grief.
Let me point out that I'm not lying in bed, crying for absolutely no reason. I'm not lying in bed, unwilling to get up because I just can't. I'm not lying in bed wishing I was dead. I'm not spending my days isolating myself from the people I love. I'm not sitting here wondering why I feel so fucking sad all the time. People who feel this way are suffering from clinical depression. They need help to cope with the feelings that debilitate them, that stop their lives from moving forward. They need help to guide them through it and come out on the other side and I wish everyone who suffered from this invisible disorder could get the support they need. Depression is a shitty, terrible condition to suffer from and I've lost people I care about to that selfish bitch.
I have very good reasons for being sad. I'm grieving. I'm losing someone I care about. I said goodbye to her a few weeks ago knowing I would likely never see her again. Since she is fading and unable to communicate very much, I will not be able to talk to her again. My last moment with her will be my last contact with her in this life. I worry about her husband, whom I've grown to love and her kids, one of whom I still don't know very well, but regardless, I care a great deal for him and see what a sweet kid he is. The other kid, oh what a kid....she holds a special place in my heart that no one can touch. I love these people and I worry about their future and I can't do anything to help them get through this time except send them a text or give them a call and tell them I'm here. I grieve for myself and my own loss, but I grieve for them too. I grieve for Margriet and all that she will miss. Fuck you cancer.
And I'm angry. Oh lord, am I ever fucking angry. Anyone who has lost a loved one to cancer will comprehend the anger I hold in my heart about this turn of events.
So to be sad about this, to be angry about this, this is NORMAL. It's okay to feel things. It's okay to express those feelings. I don't think we need to run to a counsellor every time we have a feeling. I'm not, by any means, saying that talking to a professional during a trying time is a bad idea. But I think people in general have become so dependent on seeking help that they don't know how to help themselves. They can't cope with even the smallest problem without saying, "I need a counsellor, I need therapy."
Listen up folks, you aren't always going to get it right. You are going to make mistakes. You are also going to get it right. You are going to feel pain. You are going to feel euphoria. You are going to FEEL. And it's all good. It's okay. Seek help if you feel you need it, it's out there and it's readily available. But don't feel guilty because you feel sad or angry or even a little depressed and you choose to deal with it in your own way. I choose to express my feelings by writing about them, but you may express them by lying in bed and crying. I do that too! And I talk to people. And I write. And write. If you know WHY you are crying and you know one day this too shall pass, then you are halfway there. If you aren't hurting anyone and you depend on your friends to get you through it, that's okay too. That's what your friends are there for and I guarantee you that they will need you one day too. All you can do is be there for them the same way they were there for you.
So...to all my friends that have listened (or read about) my troubles for the past few months, thank you. I guarantee that I will be there for you when you need me.